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        果仁|冥冥之中一切存在皆有意義

        2016-02-27 00:00 來源:作家報 作者:果仁
        摘要: 經歷不能替代,人人都在生活,冥冥之中一切存在皆有意義。


        曾在網上看到這樣一句話“夢幻太美好,現實太殘酷,都沒把你放在心上,你又何必撞得頭破血流。”可是若不是闖得頭破血流,我們又怎會知道現實的殘酷?只能說經歷不能替代,人人都在生活,冥冥之中一切存在皆有意義。

        每當端午時節,我首先想到的不是吃粽子、賽龍舟,而是又一年中、高考到來了。我想到在酷暑中備考的莘莘學子,我想起曾經的自己,然后無奈地搖搖頭,因為只有我知道在那段苦澀奮斗的歲月中,自己究竟經歷了什么。

        “萬般皆下品,唯有讀書高”這句話如果讓現在的我聽到,一定會“呵呵”一聲,可是在初高中的我卻把這句話奉為信條。

        記得初中時晚上做卷子熬夜起床晚了,為了快點到學校,我決定走田間那條小路。這要從成片的苞米地中穿過,再從一段陡峭的斜坡下去,才能到達校門口對面的大路上。走這條路雖然要比走柏油馬路節省大約十五分鐘的時間,但卻十分不安全。換做現在,無論多么著急的事,我都很難再走那樣荒無人煙的路,可是在當時我就是那樣不計后果硬著頭皮去走。

        我記得那時冬天苞米地里的雪已經沒過膝蓋,只能先踩進深深的雪坑里,然后把腳拔出來再邁入另一個雪坑中,這樣一步一步地走出去。我也記得我在那個斜坡摔倒過不止一次,摔得我站起來后半天都坑不出聲來。

        來到大學的第一年,臨近期末復習的一個晚上,我夢到自己背著沉重的書包,手里提著厚厚的裝卷子的公文夾,獨自走在這條田間小路上,我走得很累,幾乎走不動得喘著粗氣。我感覺呼吸很困難,最后在這煎熬中醒來,醒來才發現原來是中原的夜半太熱將我悶醒了。但是這夢讓我輾轉反側,意識像河流一樣流動,我想是期末復習的緣故讓我做這樣的夢呢?還是心中一直有對曾經不需如此而遺憾的心結呢?

        記得高中時,每次模擬考試考得不好都要上一次大火,從胸腔到口腔火辣辣的熱地發痛,痛得說不出來一句話。我從來不打針,白天也不吃藥,因為打針會耽誤上課的時間,而吃藥會困。我的解決辦法是,上課時一口一口地喝著涼水,讓涼水從胸中流過,這樣會略微地舒服些。下課后圍著操場猛跑幾圈發發汗,等到晚上,上完晚自習再回到家,咽下去一包金銀花。

        我就這樣熬過一次又一次模擬考試后的傷熱感冒。我有時會想,如果我可以回到過去,我一定要攔住那個在操場跑圈的自己,然后給她一巴掌,告訴她:“放輕松些,對自己好點。”

        可是沒有如果,經歷也無法替代。當高考成績下來時,我嘲諷自己:“早知道是這個成績,你何必那么瘋狂的努力。”我勉強地笑著說我考得還成,可是心不是會不痛的。每一位班主任一般都會談歷屆超常發揮和超差發揮的考生,很榮幸我成為了后者。我沒有選擇復讀而是隨便報了志愿,最后來到了一所離家很遠,氣候相差很大的大學。這是我人生第一次認識到現實的殘酷,我說“上帝這玩笑你和我開的太大了吧?”可是有什么辦法,你只能接受現實。

        我用大學一年的時間接受這個現實,這件事并不簡單,因為真正的接受不僅是所謂的成績,而是與其有關的一系列的事和人。

        你要接受身邊認識你的人,他們常要和你談及高考的事以及故作可惜的安慰;要接受挫敗的自己來到一個氣候迥異、人生地不熟的地方;更要接受初高中以分數排名定勝負,而社會論人并不看分數,自己卻已習慣被分數綁架的事實

        讓自己掙脫被過去束縛的枷鎖,重新做回自己,可以說這是在一個陌生的異地最難也是最容易的事。當我可以坦然地和任何一個人談論高考、討論那年高考的我時,當我真正知道評價人的多元標準,也多角度地看待別人看待自己時,我知道我真正的接受了,放下了。

        我開始理解上帝給我開的玩笑,理解我高考的“失敗”。我沒有認為它是真正的失敗,因為這件事這段經歷給我的成長是其它經歷難以比擬的。在大學真正離開家去適應獨立自立的生活,去用自己的眼睛發現這里的一切時,我體會到這里雖然不是我理想的大學,卻是適合我的地方。我沒有感覺我不如人家清華北大的學生,我也沒有認為我背離了曾經的理想,每個人走的方式不同,我只是換了一段路罷了。其實,成功與失敗從來沒有真正的界限,它會隨著時間隨著你的經歷改變你對它們的看法。

        回顧我的初高中,我雖然會同情可憐那時苦讀煎熬的自己,但我沒有后悔過,而且我還很佩服曾經的自己,因為那個曾經的自己至少告訴了我什么叫做全力以赴。所以現在的我并不害怕困難,我只怕自己不會像以前一樣全力以赴。雖然我還是會擔心一些事,擔心失敗,但是曾經的那個自己告訴我要相信自己,一切都會挺過,我也可以挺過。

        很多經歷看似徒勞,但它會在將來的某一時刻串聯起來。未來無法遇見,過去無法替代,但也只有當你回頭看的時候,這些所謂的成功失敗、痛苦悲傷、因緣際會才能夠串聯起來。你要相信,存在皆有意義,然后學會接受,開啟新的征程。 

        果仁  原名付偉,女,1994年出生于吉林遼源,現就讀于鄭州大學文學院。


        微信:zuojiabao1985 投稿:zjbxmt@126.com

        李百合|微笑是半開的花

         

        編輯:華文作家網
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